Hubs and I are rolling that goddamn boulder up that hill goddamn hill every goddamn day.
I am attempting to awaken my spirituality, get back in touch with the soul within this sad shell of a human. So last night, he and I are having one of those midnight conversations. Not fighting, not blaming and making excuses, just really talking. Most of it quite sweet, sincere and rawly honest. It was a really wonderful and much missed vibe between us. While the thoughts and feelings were free flowing, this little piece came to me:
If someone handed us a piece of paper, that had our marriage expiration date on it, the exact day that one of us would die, or that one of us (OK, likely me) would walk away forever, I truly believe that he and I would do everything in our power to live and love to the best of our ability up until that date. To make the marriage a happy one and to make each other feel the love that he and I have lost as casualties of our war.
I'd love to be able to say that I don't know why we have the ugliness between us that we have. But I do know why. I can name every one of our demons. Somehow I thought that if we could take away the mystery and shed the light on the problems that they would stop. I think I hoped that he could have the power within himself to make the right choices if there were no secrets holding their force over him. Or that if I could recognize that I do not get to control every fucking thing that I would stop needing to be able to do so. Wrong. So wrong.
If Deepak Shopra is right, and at any given moment we are doing the very best we can do at that moment where the hell do I go from there? How do I accept him and accept me, just as we are in this moment? How do I move forward from the realization that our current best is not good enough for us to both be happy and fulfilled? How do I stop mourning the potential that neither one of us is living up to?
I want to find the inner peace that allows me to feel whole, without his presence. If the psychology term is co-dependent, then the other worldly, spiritual term is soul entanglement. Either way it's fucked up, that I know. The other side of the coin is the sheer beauty of a love that is formed in another plane of existence. Is wordly strife the cost of otherworldly love?