Why can't I just pull the trigger? Calm down people, I'm speaking metaphorically. Don't let the rage from that last post cause you concern for the life of the Hubs.
What I am asking, is why can't I go through with an all out separation? Being under the same roof only perpetuates the to and fro cycle. We're like the tides at this point. It's beyond ridiculous. There is just no way for me to be all in at this point. Too many things are too fractured and have been incompletely repaired too many times. It's beyond "for better and for worse".
Something keeps me attached, something keeps me from calling the T.O.D. and I don't know what that is. I think that is what I need to figure out. I need to know what is going on inside of me that accepting of this reality. Why am I so broken?
7 comments:
I completely understand where you are coming from. Its like we have to torture ourselves! For me, part of the reason is financial. Another part is I just want to be part of a couple.
You are not broken. Just not ready to pull the trigger. there is SOMETHING that keeps you there. Once you figure out what that is, you can work on what the next step is.
I'm here if you want to bounce some ideas off me! HUGS!
would saying that i find you very hot help the situation at all?
probably not, but it can't hurt, either..... :)
Probably not super helpful but here's a link anyway
http://lifehacker.com/5975951/write-down-the-things-that-drain-you-to-identify-patterns-you-can-easily-fix
If money is an ongoing and troubling part of it all, maybe consider this. Demand that he gets a line of work with steady income. It seems like he does job based work that has variable outcomes, there are plenty of establishments that have staff (and frequently union) jobs doing whatever it is he does. By having a job with steady income some of the fight might evaporate in that there is no opportunity for lying about cash coming in. Money spent is a different matter entirely, so if that's the beef I don't currently have an idea for dealing with that.
So sorry, girlfriend. You're not broken, it just sounds like you're delaying the inevitable (but I hope you can find a way to work through it)
Broken? To want to maintain the commitment you made, to cling to a life you carved out for yourself despite the hardship and still hope the ideal will somehow return? That's not broken. You're facing one of the most difficult decisions a person has to make in life. If you know what needs to be done for the good of all, then dammit, do it. It'll hurt for a long long time, but that pain is incomparable to living in a self-imposed hell. You have support. Use it. I'm pulling for you.
Sometimes the fear of what's coming is worse than the hell that is now.
Trust me. I get it. But if you really feel like you're broken, you need to stop picking at the band-aid. Rip it off, and cast that baby so it can heal from the inside out.
Haven't been by in a while-used to catch up through Not So Simply Single- so sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. (((HUGS)))
Relationships are tough, even under the best circumstances. I can barely be in one six days, or six minutes. I scratch my head and think, "I want this?"
Good luck. So nice to finally have a moment to catch up with all my favorite bloggers.
Post a Comment